if you only knew...

so, my first semester of teaching is officially over...and i breath out a sigh of relief. it wasn't as hard as i would have imagined, yet in so many ways, it was more difficult than i would ever have believed possible.

this week, i was swamped with work...between trying to get eight different finals written and final grades done, all i can say is that i was in need of a nap. but, i have gotten into a pretty good routine at work and i am almost able to get everything done while i am there which means i don't have too much to bring home at night.

as expected, most of my kids did amazingly, and i don't have a single F to report, which makes me pretty happy. with the coming of the end of term, i had to say goodbye to my students, which was actually really hard for me. each one of my students has a pretty special place in my heart, especially my seniors. i will admit my biases. i adore each and every one of them as much as i would if they were my own. their successes and their failures, their struggles, their joys, and their frustrations, i take to heart as if it were my own child's. i know i will miss them all when i have to say my final goodbyes at the end of the school year, and i know i will not be able to escape without tears flowing. sometimes i am too emotional for my own good.

this weekend, it was rather frigid. i can sense winter approaching and it seems to be ready to stay, so i am bunkering down for the long haul. the more the temperature diminishes, the less people see of me. i did end up making it out to sunny's after what i can only describe as the friday night ritual in which turk, ben, and i - and occasionally another co-worker or two - go to pizza school for a few slices and random discussions ranging from sports to america to the theory that p. lee might be a reptilian monster sent back from the future, hell bent on world domination (but that is a discussion for another day). sunny's was typical for a friday night. i conversed with all the regulars and even met a new teacher, fresh off the boat in ilsan. we talked about home and all the random food we missed, from crunch-wrap supremes to the crunchies at long john silvers. there was nothing we left out. we talked about author's and i got to share my love for hemingway with a few people, all the while wishing i could be half the literary genious i believe him to be.

i said my goodbye's early, a little after midnight, ready to leave the smoke-filled atmosphere of the bar for a more relaxed environment. i sat in my apartment until three in the morning, sipping on a bottle of wine until its contents had diminished into mere droplets clinging to the mouth of the bottle, all the while contemplating what i am doing with my life and dispelling the nagging sense of homesickness and emptiness that has been haunting me since my arrival.

saturday and sunday have both been pretty mundane. i called my mom and andy henson. both phone calls have been long overdue and both i regretted immediately after they were made. every time i call home, it is just a reminder of how much i want to be there with everyone. i spent the day cleaning and reading which is something i haven't really had too much time since i have been here. i quickly got irritated with the silence and found that i can listen to the point online, so i thank God for internet streaming radio. as much as i do love kpop, i do miss listening to music that has some sense of depth...and music that i actually understand what they are saying. i went once, only for a brief period, and that was to have dinner with turk...it was a kimchi jjiggae night...and it was well worth the excursion into the frigid night. i saved my most difficult call for sunday. i called cory for the second time since i have been in korea. out of everyone, it is the hardest to be away from him, my best friend in so many ways. we chatted about everything back home and about how thanksgiving was without me, about his new girlfriend and about our friends back home. it made me sad to think of all the things i was missing. cory and i have been together for so long that i never thought about what it would be like to not have him there until he wasn't. now, i long for the days when i would pop into his room and we would talk about the uneventful days of our lives or we would sit quietly together and watch the newest anime that he was into. to most people, that sounds lame, but i was content. cory was my closest companion and confidant, and the remembrance that we are apart stings each time i think about it.

after i hung up, i swept away a few silent tears, and got on with my day. i tried being productive, looking into jobs back home. i figure it is never too early to start, and i really want to get information on working on an indian reservation. i am taking this into serious consideration. i am also looking into international schools in south america, in case things don't pan out back home. i figure, i have an entire month ahead of me with no real tedious work in the mix, so i have made a promise to myself. i am going to start writing, for ME, again. i have been feeling rather uninspired lately and so i am going to search for inspiration. i am going to get out of seoul and into the country. i am going to search through art and poetry and writing and music and nature and humanity until i find something that makes me feel alive again...something that makes me want to create something from that life that i feel pulsing through my veins. that is the promise i have made to myself. hopefully i can keep it.